Chapter 1: My Early Experiences with Fatherhood

Before the arrival of my son, I got a glimpse into the shortcomings of some fathers, largely influenced by my own father's behavior. From an early age, I witnessed him shirking his responsibilities at home while my mother shouldered the majority of the workload.

On the surface, we appeared to be a complete family with five children and a comfortable home. However, behind the scenes, he would often leave for days, spending whatever little income we had on drinking and socializing. His rare attempts at helping out included cooking or cleaning, but those moments were few and far between.

His lack of ambition left my mother to bear the brunt of our family's struggles. We relied on welfare, frequently moving and living on the edge of poverty, while he indulged in designer clothing. My mother, a stay-at-home parent, occasionally worked but was constrained by the cost of childcare. Their tumultuous relationship, marked by domestic abuse, further hindered her independence, as her decisions were often met with disdain—even when she was doing her best.

While some may find my portrayal harsh, I want to clarify that not all fathers fit this mold; my experience is likely in the minority. There are indeed dedicated parents striving to positively impact their children's lives. However, societal norms tend to normalize poor parenting among fathers, failing to acknowledge it for what it truly is.

The standards set for fathers are alarmingly low, leading to a lack of respect for the hard work mothers do daily. If a dad takes a child to the park or handles a few bath times, he is celebrated as the "best parent ever." Even taking a mere two weeks of parental leave is considered commendable, but one must ask—do mothers receive the same level of recognition?

Women consistently manage the bulk of childcare responsibilities, often resulting in their roles as stay-at-home mothers. This constant juggling can lead to burnout, with little time left for self-care. The reality is that a stay-at-home parent has a relentless job that doesn't cease when "dad" comes home.

Some fathers are proactive, stepping up when they are around, but many still leave the majority of the burden on their partners, even when they are physically present. If your partner has been with the children all day or manages most household tasks, it’s your duty to lighten her load, not add to it.

Regardless of whether your partner is employed or not, household responsibilities exist both inside and outside the home. It is not solely a mother’s job to manage appointments, drop children off at school, attend parent meetings, and handle cooking and cleaning. Society has come to expect this of mothers, rather than challenging it.

If your partner finds herself cleaning up after you daily, cooking dinner throughout the week, and taking care of most childcare duties, what value are you adding to her life or your household? How are your children benefitting from a mother who is exhausted and overwhelmed?

Being a parent, whether as a stay-at-home or working mother, is challenging. I experience both roles as a single parent managing the responsibilities of two.

I found myself a single parent shortly after my son was born. The transition was shocking and unexpected, yet life took its course. Since then, I have raised a nearly four-year-old. One might think that being a single parent would allow me to achieve a balance in childcare, but my reality has often been the opposite. The equitable 50/50 parenting arrangement I envisioned quickly transformed into a part-time weekend setup, allowing me just two nights off in a week.

My job requires me to work nights and stay awake during the day. As both a stay-at-home mum and a working parent, I can confidently say it's been draining. Like many women, I have accepted that I will shoulder 99% of the responsibilities until my son is old enough to care for himself.

I am the one responsible for attending health appointments, nursery runs, significant meetings, and covering most of the costs associated with raising a child. My role encompasses many positions: doctor, nurse, childminder, therapist, cook, cleaner, housekeeper, and even tech support.

Many single parents can relate to this experience, which highlights how low the standards are set for absent or part-time parents. Separation is not an excuse for poor parenting—let's call it what it is: bad parenting.

Unfortunately, society often views weekend dads as engaged parents simply because they take time out to spend with their children on weekends. However, what about the weekdays when most parenting occurs? The real work—school runs, nursery drop-offs, and appointments—takes place during the week.

As controversial as it may sound, I don't consider someone a true parent unless they are willing to share childcare duties fairly. Some fathers have never participated in a school run, attended a meeting, or gone to a doctor's appointment. They may not even know their child’s medical history or where their doctor’s office is located.

How can someone claim to be a parent if they are unaware of where their child goes to school or where their dentist is located? To complicate matters, some fathers rely on mothers to handle all these responsibilities, allowing them to enjoy the easier aspects of parenting, like weekends.

If you can choose when to be involved in parenting without constraints, then you're not a true parent. Active participation in a child's life should not be optional.

There are mothers like me who juggle work and childcare, often doing everything on their own, setting a high bar for fathers. Working full-time does not excuse a lack of involvement in parenting.

We do not get to pick and choose when we parent. Mothers shoulder all the responsibilities, the good and the bad. There are no exceptions.

The standards for fathers are so low that many believe they are exceptional parents when, in reality, they are merely meeting the bare minimum. Perhaps if expectations were as high for fathers as they are for mothers, they would recognize that they are contributing far too little.

Are you truly engaged in parenting?

What are your thoughts on the responsibilities of fatherhood?