Chapter 1: A Cosmic Surprise

This morning, as I tuned into the typical doom-laden news cycle, I was greeted with a mix of intriguing updates: the Earth’s core has ceased its rotation. Naturally, my first reaction mirrored yours—wait, isn’t that essential for our planet?

I’m one of those lucky individuals who never quite grasped the intricacies of science. All my knowledge is essentially self-invented, which makes scientific revelations far less alarming. Global warming? Just a reason to roast marshmallows. Earthquakes? Time to build a pool.

Once you start fabricating your own scientific understanding, where do you draw the line? Do you feel me, fellow far-right Republicans?

Lies have become the new truth, and truth has morphed into conspiracy theories.

Brace yourself—George Santos is merely the tip of the iceberg. Like him, Lil Nas X and The Weeknd, I too have an alias. Amy Sea is just my drag name—or my gang name if you will.

I’ve always envisioned the Earth’s core spinning like a car's steering wheel. If the wheel abruptly halted, I’d be catapulted into the windshield. So if the Earth’s core has indeed stopped, which is the metaphorical windshield—gravity or the ozone layer?

If I keep rising, should I don a raincoat, a snowsuit, or perhaps a hot air balloon?

Another thought arises: if the Earth’s core has truly halted its spin, could I be floating into space right now, completely oblivious?

World leaders, I pose this question to you: am I meant to treat the cessation of the Earth’s internal rotation as a trivial matter? Is there a select group of brainiacs in a crisis bunker somewhere in Washington panicking and frantically liquidating their assets?

If so, count me in! I’d love to join a cult—preferably led by a charismatic woman. Someone like Maya Angelou would be ideal. I can’t tell you how often her quotes pop up on my Instagram feed. If I’m to be flung from this planet, I’d prefer to reflect on something profound like—

Chapter 2: The Unexpected Twist

The plot thickens, folks! The Earth’s core may have stopped rotating, but there’s a chance it could start spinning in the opposite direction. This might actually be advantageous for me, given my poor sense of direction. I like to joke that God installed my compass backward.

To all you self-proclaimed navigators reveling in your directional prowess, your time is up. Once the Earth flips its spin, my fellow directionally challenged friends and I will finally discern which way is North.

And for those of you who had your compasses aligned correctly during the previous rotation—well, good luck with your upside-down internal compasses!

Oh no, did you feel that? Better hang onto your hats!

Thanks to the super-speedy editor of our non-spinning planet, T. Kent Jones.